To my beloved baby boy,

Dear J,

I could pour out my heart to you, my entire heart,

 felt the immense pain in my heart, I couldn't explain how much just a conversation alone is able to manipulate my mind and my thoughts and my everything,

I always thought you could fix me,

but I feel like a pressed flower that has lost all it's shine and glory,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the times you felt unloved,

the times when I could push myself a little more, to go for that extra effort to place that smile on your face

To, want you more, need you more, show you i love you more,

But I chose to keep you by a safe distance and hung in despair alone.

you mattered more than anything in this world, and giving you the best was the only option, that includes your education.

Even if its texting you less, feeling all gloomy, going to bed alone, keeping this sadness within me, I always thought, "I could get so used to this, but that'd mean you would be fading, I could be drifting,"

I was silly to even place this space between us for the sake of your studies,

to wallow in my self-pity, to sacrifice my happiness for your everything.

I was wrong darling

Terribly wrong.

I love you so much 

  Sorry for being trapped in this whole entire "A levels" situation.

I know you're a sensitive little boy towards me, and how small matters might get into your head like me talking to other boys or you getting jealous of people who gets to be close to me every single day,

   sorry but you're incredibly adorable and I kinda like it when you're so protective :) 

Going back into your arms yesterday just gave me a little more faith and hope to carry on,

thinking about the promises we made

Our white house, with little megan and travis or wtv, to go for honeymoon, to cook, to fall asleep right next to each other, to shower one another, to surprise one another....

I just thought it was silly of me to be such a brat 

I don't have to give you space

I can be your space, be near you and talk to you and want you equally much.

Because you're mine and you're my future.

My aim is to make sure that you are happy and be blessed even when you're conquering the exams.

 Can't explain the love I have for you, but how i string your words across my heart.
Keeping them really close to my heart.

You have no idea how much you mean to me even though I do not show it physically,

but baby, you're more than the world to me.

I hope we will have more great days ahead, 

and more happiness

no more drifting

no more sulky

no more feeling unloved,

alright?

Blink now and smile for 10 seconds :)

p.s

I will always be here, xx